I don’t know what I enjoy. A normal person could identify favorite foods, music ect. and things they don’t like. Normal has never been my thing. I liked what people told me to like, looked the way others suggested, everything from my hair color to the way I liked my burgers was entirely based off of who others made me. I have been a human paper doll as long as I can remember.
I spent the last week seeing in the flesh all of the things people hate about me. I saw all my biggest fears standing in front of me. I can see myself in all the worst parts of my mother. I see the worst qualities of my mother in her mother. This cycle is done. I have suddenly seen the curtain pull back and the voice of Oz is a lie. Everything I know about who I am is starting to blur.
Suddenly I question who the fuck I am? How much of what I remember from my childhood is a reflection of her prospective? Everything I hate about myself comes from the environments in which I was raised. Am I actually crazy or was I raised by crazy and thus my idea of healthy and normal is vastly incorrect? I just want to hide under a rock sometimes because it would be easier.
Shopping is difficult because I don’t know what I like. I know what different people in my life would choose and I go based on that. Most of my clothes are my moms hand me down and it’s like I am a fat version of my mother. From my voice to my bitching and my horrific tendency to make nasty judgmental comments about people. The lack of boundaries and my mothers need to be the center of everything causes such intense disturbances in my ability to have my own life.
I’m fucking angry! All I want is to be a good mother and a good wife. I long to set roots and become a part of a community and build bonds. As much as I desperately cling to these ideas of suburban bliss I know I am not ready. I have so much to change and work on as a person before I feel that I am worthy of my dreams. People with the cruel streak I have don’t deserve to have it all.
Being raised by people with the incredible ability to slice you into piece turns you vicious. Like a dog trained to fight I will attack in the most aggressive way possible. I verbally maul you until you fight back. Unfortunately when you spend years being the attacked you tend to cower away in sheer terror when someone makes you remember where you came from. Everything in life is frightening when you have no clue how to handle it.
Marriage. children, love stories that last, people who don’t physically assault one another or throw things? What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Full acceptance without question, what is the motive? All I have ever known is that you can trust no one but your own. My mom was the only person I could trust because everyone else was against me. Somehow she was always made to be the savior. My father always the villain, though there is sufficient reason for a vast majority of that title.
From the very beginning she has been in my ear trying to hard to make sure I keep a distance between what I hope someday to be my in-laws. Don’t trust them they will always take his side. Be careful what you say, they can turn it around. Don’t tell them about your postpartum struggles because they will try to take your child. Talk to a lawyer. Push and Isolate! What we have created in a paranoid state where I feel the world is plotting my demise.
We accept the love we feel we deserve right? What if you have no idea what you deserve or even want because all the versions of love you have been shown are totally fucked up? The women in my family are verbally abusive, overly critical and have a serious case of the “look at me’s.” I have great examples of the love I would like to receive from the men in their lives but I don’t think anyone deserves to be treated the way they were. That stops here as well. I will not wake up one morning when I am widowed and alone and say “I wish i would have appreciated what I had”. I will not belittle someone I love because they didn’t jump when I instructed. I will give them same respect I expect.
I want to cry because I feel so torn between loving my family and seeing the reality of how damaged everyone is. Now I have this family that has accepted me as their own despite seeing my flaws and knowing that I am wicked and dark. They love and support one another without using it against you later. All of these people come together for one another, they rally behind each other. You know you are never alone. Are they without flaws and disfunction? No, but it feels like home. I have never actually seen people be married without divorces or deep open traumas that lay under a glossy surface.Nobody sues over money, no fighting over materialistic nonsense or deep resentments keeping people apart.Nobody stealing yo0ur shit or drugs being used. Nobody is living on the couch or using one another. Love is not an exchange for these people. This reality of who I am and what my truth is has been forever changed.
My perception of my childhood has been shattered with the glimpse of what could be. Everything I want in life is the opposite of what I have known. All I know is I refuse to be who I am. I refuse to be this miniature version of all the generations of trauma that caused the evolution of walls I was born into. I can not base my life on the darkest parts of everyone elses past. I can not project my own darkness on the future of my child. The world is beautiful, people are inherently good, God is more than being seen at church on Sunday, no person is better than another, giving up is not an option and love has no conditions.
Who the fuck am I? Not sure but I am discovering slowly that I can be someone I genuinely like. I can love without allowing myself or my child to be exposed to trauma or unhealthy relationships no matter who it may be.
I am more than my trauma.
I am more than where I come from.
I decide who I want to be.